Come Meet the Man In The Mirror

“Jeremy McClintock is a people person. And Jeremy McClintock will become the people’s politician.”

I shout that mantra into the mirror every morning, and seldom do I see my reflection flinch. That much makes me believe I am a self-fulfilling prophecy here to save Britons – especially the young – from themselves.

How to salvage people and communities from the mounting pressures of everyday life is the question that has preoccupied me ever since I formed the Right Path Party. The voice in my head has reached fever pitch this summer, with almost nightly reports of children stabbing and shooting each other because they come from the wrong postcode. Research carried out by DUFFF reveals that 23 per cent of central Ipswich is now regarded as “chronically pedic”, while gangs in Nottingham are known to rip up and urinate on perfectly-recyclable fast food waste. Politicians need to address this problem fast. What can we do for our wasted youths and what can they do for us?

The answer, for the sons and daughters of five lucky readers, is a "self-actualisation" tour of Chile.

Incorporating the Mind Tour 2007

On 26 November 2007 the Right Path Party and DUFFF are organising a once in a lifetime 11 day excursion to South America. Its aim? To inspire as many as 20 young people, drawn from a list of national regeneration zones (vetted by the Home Office), in the ways of outdoor survival techniques and cross-cultural mind fertilisations. Part of the itinerary will involve free association focus groups with jungle tribesmen. We're also keen to hear from you, our regular readers, for practical ideas that we can add to the itinerary.

This is the first time - to our knowledge - that any political party has tried this type of daring social experiment. It's a challenge for everyone involved, and it's sure going to be a steep learning curve for me. Undeterred, I intend to rise to the challenge and incorporate these kids' minds. Public figures need to travel down the engagement path that leads from telling and explaining to reassuring and transferring task ownership and skills delegation. But most importantly we must all learn to improve the way we communicate with each other, especially given how the intra-strategic facilitation networks are heaving with the geno-thetic-synbadd potential of stakeholders.

DUFFF head honcho Sir Alain Shipmount has agreed to lend us some key personnel for the tour, including the considerable faculties of their Associate Jesus, Rich Wilkes. “I started being Jesus about two years ago," recalls Rich, "and realised it was a good way of regenerating communities”. I have seen this guy spread the word through the regeneration zones of Clapham Park and Upper Venting and it’s impressive. Chile will be tough, but with a Jesus on board we can help to lighten the load.

The tour will begin on 26 November in Chile's capital Santiago. From there we trek down to Patagonia in order to meet the rural population, before heading to the Pacific for an ecological brain-storming session with Greenpiss, and then up to Macchu Picchu for a party with the Incas. Clearly there's a lot of self-discovery and personal re-evaluation to be done.

On a personal note, this tour was scoped out, costed, implemented and delivered within three working hours. And so the man in the mirror was looking decidedly optimistic this morning. As a politician I may not always succeed in winning over the hearts of young people, but with this scheme I might just change their minds.

Competition

Want to win a place on Jeremy’s Incorporating the Mind Tour? Simply email us when you have worked out the missing letters to complete the following phrase: 

Facility is f------y. 

And, no, it’s not "family"! The first five out of the hat will win a securitised passport to progress.

(Originally published 18 September 2007)

Juggling Priorities

Politics is all about sound logistics, and no-one could accuse me of not having come prepared when I arrived in Sappington Bounce High Street this week aboard a Sunseeker Portofino 53 offshore cruiser. I was here to inspect the damage caused by the freak floods and incessant rains that have been sweeping across the West of England this summer, and Sunseeker International – whose spirit of adventure began more than forty years ago, and whose range of motoryachts has expanded since then, with each new addition adding something rather special to a highly competitive market – kindly donated one of its impressive craft to help with the clean up operation.

The Portofino 53 comes with built-in radar, flatscreen televisions in each cabin and a full wetbar with hot and cold water.

What a damned nuisance, then, that three days of dry weather had reduced the floodwaters to an insignificant puddle, so preventing me from navigating the high street by speedboat.

“It’s a lot worse than it looks,” says Colin Wyndham, a former champion yachtsman and now Chairman of Sappington Bounce Round Table, as we survey the damage from the bridge of the Sunseeker, which although not going anywhere provides a superb vantage point. “The Victoria Tea Rooms were under six feet of water this time last week,” Colin notes, “and the other side of town was like a duck pond.” We head off to take a look.

Unfortunately the narrow streets of Sappington Bounce weren’t designed to accommodate a 58-foot long motoryacht being towed by a Winnebago. We take a detour through Sainsbury’s car park where I count at least two overturned cars. Only now does the carnage wrought upon this delicate little hamlet when the River Piddle burst its banks a fortnight ago begin to hit home. So far the cost to local insurers is estimated at a staggering twelve million pounds.

Later on Colin discretely informs me that the overturned Volvo was in actual fact my doing (apparently it clipped the stern of the Sunseeker as we accidentally reversed into Sainsbury's exit barriers). “Let’s get things in perspective,” I tell him. “Where would this country be right now without its insurance industry?” As ever lateral thinking wins the day. And in any case it’s a well-known fact that the Winnebago has always suffered from a terrible blind spot.

If the lower end of the high street is anything to go by then that Volvo owner should be counting his blessings. Outside the Job Centre an incongruous sign reads, “Batch 22 jobseekers report to Southampton Benefits Office now.”

“Catch 22, more like,” says Colin, pointing out that much of the lower Southampton road is still waterlogged. It’s at times like these when the true insensitivity of the public services is revealed.

Nigel, a Batch 22 jobseeker, joins us for a coffee aboard the Winnebago and tells of his ambitions to be a film director. Nigel is bursting with raw talent, and illustrates perfectly well the regenerative potential of rural communities like Sappington Bounce. Have I just met the next Martin Scorsese? The fact that Nigel admits to spending 20 hours a day “or more” (?) downloading images of women’s feet from the Internet suggests not – but then doesn’t it equally testify to the unpredictable fortunes of the creative industries, where one day you're signing on in Sappington and the next busy directing your first Hollywood feature film?

Later that afternoon I introduce Nigel to Sir Alain Shipmount, Co-founder and Secretary of DUFFF, and one of the UK’s leading creative consultants. What Sir Alain doesn’t know about geno-thetic synbadd potential frankly isn’t worth knowing. Indeed, so profound is his influence over contemporary popular culture that when Chris Martin of stadium rock band Coldplay was suffering from the creative jitters last December, it was Sir Alain that he phoned first. And the outcome of the consultation? “I put him in touch with the Noise Abatement Society,” says Sir Alain, with characteristic modesty. To his credit we haven’t heard a whimper out of Chris and the boys since. Now that’s what I call successful brand management!

Finally, as if any further evidence of the interface between politics and the creative industries were needed, Sir Alain and I end the day with some impromptu canvassing for the Right Path Party, ably supported by Nigel, our budding filmmaker; Brian, a juggling Harlequin; and Bonzo Doo-Dah, Britain’s only politically-active chimpanzee (although I’m told there are currently three in Northern Ireland). It’s lateral, sure; but there’s no mistaking the power of symbolism. Bonzo successfully draws the public’s attention to hunger in Africa by making off with a child’s cheeseburger, while the juggler leaves everyone in no doubt that I’m a safe pair of hands who can keep all his balls in the air at once.

Plane Talking

A final word on the Heathrow airport protests that greeted me as I arrived back from my African Tour at the weekend. Demonstrators had latched on to Terminal 5 expansion plans in order to highlight the harmful environmental effects of air travel.

To my mind the main point being demonstrated here wasn’t so much the rights or wrongs of either party, with the aviation authorities wanting to increase passenger capacity on the one hand, and local residents and environmentalists understandably wanting to restrict noise and environmental pollution on the other. Of course, these were legitimate concerns. But there were more profound political lessons to be drawn here concerning the way in which politics in this country is presently conducted.

I’m especially keen to sound out grassroots activists these days; even if I don’t always condone their tactics, I’m the first to defend their right to express themselves, even if the protest is verging on the unlawful.

Take Ken, for instance, a local resident who had superglued his testicles to an air traffic control mast: “I’d rather lose my balls than one more night’s sleep,” Ken blurted out, clearly in a great deal of pain. As he was led away by security officials with the mast still attached, I couldn’t help but marvel at the deep-rooted passions that this controversial issue has aroused. We all want to enjoy the freedom and convenience of unlimited air travel. But what good is unlimited air travel if in the process we inflict irrevocable environmental damage?

I’m a convert to the environmental cause. And it must be said that the way in which the government has dealt with this issue has been misguided and wrong from the very outset. We don’t simply need to listen more closely to people like Ken when drafting legislation; we also need to harness such passionate views, learn as well as listen, with the aim of providing people like Ken with meaningful stakeholder experiences as we process, facilitate, strategise and coordinate the creatively integrated futures of people and communities.

Visit your nearest DUFFF agent today and sample the brain juice currently on offer.

(Originally published 24 August 2007)