***** The following statement has been prepared by Jeremy’s solicitor, Fletcher Burkhoff, of Burkhoff, Spatt and Swift Solicitors.
Following several allegations relating to incidents reported in The Sun and The Times newspapers on 12 and 13 April 2007 respectively, my client, Jeremy McClintock, would like to make the following clarifications:
1. The statement appearing in The Sun on 12 April that Mr. McClintock “likes to fondle monkeys” is categorically false. Mr. McClintock has a distinguished background in animal conservation work and is a proud supporter of monkey rights, particularly the rights of homosexual monkeys. He rejects outright The Sun’s insinuation that he has ever either touched, stroked or looked at a monkey in an inappropriate manner.
2. The Sun (12 April 2007) alleges that Mr. McClintock attended a charity auction on 13 February 2007, at the Bull’s Head Hotel, Chislehurst, where he “auctioned off several monkeys for charity”. This is categorically false. Mr. McClintock did not auction off a monkey and, furthermore, would only ever consider doing so if it were in the monkey’s best interests.
3. Mr. McClintock rejects categorically any insinuation that his charity work in the homosexual monkey arena is a cynical attempt to gain publicity for his own political organisation, The Right Path Party. Although The Sun newspaper is correct in its assertion that The Right Path Party was joint-sponsor of the aforementioned charity event, the allegation that two thousand helium-filled Right Path Party balloons were released during the auction is misleading, since the balloons were in actual fact released 30 minutes AFTER the auction had finished.
4. The allegation made by The Sun, and reprinted on 13 April 2007 in a separate article appearing in The Times, that an unfortunate incident in which a chimpanzee named Bonzo Doo-Dah quite inadvertently became attached to a Right Path Party balloon and ended up on the roof of the Bull’s Head Hotel is a malicious perversion of the facts. Furthermore, the allegation that this event was stage-managed for political purposes – since the local Fire Brigade were allegedly telephoned an hour before it happened in order “not to keep the photographers waiting” – is categorically false.
5. Finally, Mr. McClintock would like to make it known that he regards monkeys as intelligent creatures that are still evolving, which thereby explains the increasing numbers of homosexual monkeys who are coming out of their cages. Whatever the rights and wrongs of homosexuality, the monkeys can't help it.
END OF STATEMENT. *****
BP Man Comes Out Of His Shell
I've never discriminated against homosexuals, whether they be animals OR humans. They might be perverse little critters (I like to stay open-minded) but regular visitors to my blog will know that I recently paid tribute to John Inman - need I say more? However, when the news broke last week (like a priceless Mong vase) that BP CEO Lord Browne had resigned over lying in court about his homosexual affairs, I couldn't help laughing out loud, "You silly old ring fencer!" It’ll take a long while for the oil and gas firm to promote a man of the same calibre to its ranks, and all because he went weak at the knees for the odd escort (the silly old poof should never have got out of his Rolls!).
Funnily enough our paths crossed occasionally. Browne and his firm used to be one of my wife Sophie’s clients at her old PR agency, and we even ended up on the same Mediterranean cruise to Beirut once. We both loved the Paris of the East for different reasons, Browne for its shady nightlife and me for its newsworthy political mire and ethno-religious tension. There we were one evening, hobnobbing on the poop deck of The Tolerant Arab over a plate of raw pork, when all of a sudden the Israel Defence Force blew a large hole in our starboard side, resulting in a pianist falling overboard - an inconvenience which resulted in Browney and I having to fill in with an impromptu medley of Charles Aznavour and Inglebert Humperdink, him on bass, me on baritone. "Strangers in the Night", indeed.
After we docked I didn't see him for a day and a half. I put it down to his heavy work schedule. This guy was the top banana when it came to managing big oil contracts. He understood that only Western companies have the necessary nous to pump the Arabs' black gold. Browney cared passionately about exploiting those all important oil reserves till the wells ran dry, and knew how to get the stuff out of the Arab Straits to where it was needed most as fast as possible, without causing a war or provoking the likes of that dodgy old pirate Saddam.
The next day he did surface eventually, somewhat worse for wear, carrying a briefcase and sporting a purple sarong. One can only speculate about what was in the briefcase, but looking back now there was little doubt that the time he'd spent in the local bazaars hadn't been devoted to sober business lunches. In business as in life, man is a ruthless species that hunts down the object of his desire with an unrivalled passion; man cannot escape his passions. However, man would be best advised to confine those passions to secluded areas of the New Forest, rather than the seedy pimp dens of Beirut, in order to avoid the long lenses and nosey hacks from The Mail on Sunday.
For the guttersnipes on Grub Street the monicker “Lord Browne” now offers muck-raking innuendo - but don’t expect that angle from a writer of integrity like yours truly. This head honcho is in a field of one when it comes to hydrocarbons, and that’s a serious business whoever’s mincing about with the bottom line.
(Originally published 7 May 2007)
