Actually, when I say “secret mission” that’s not strictly true. Nor was he “disguised” as such. He was working as an extra in a Howard Hughes flick with the risqué title, “Whale For Me Honey”. Ole Pop always loved the showbiz lifestyle, and I think there must have been something about the idea of making a B-movie in wartime that appealed to his reckless streak (since making one in peacetime already seems reckless enough).
There’s an important moral lesson here – apart from “never accept a role in a B-movie” – and it’s this: if my father was prepared to put himself in harm’s way for King and Commonwealth, and to suffer for his art whilst the nukes rained down around his ears, then why aren’t the rest of us?
Today, opinion polls reveal that the majority of the British public opposes the replacement of the Trident submarine kit that served us so faithfully during the Cold War. Not that this prevented David Cameron from marshalling his parliamentary troops behind the government’s plans to ensure we’re not left in the nuclear graveyard come 2024, when Trident officially passes its sell-by date. Good on you Camers, the country’s national security is too important to play party politics with!
As much as Dave’s touchy-feely shtick makes me blow chunks, when it comes to the crunch this man can apply to join my party anytime. Only last week during a game of ping-pong in Boris Johnson’s conservatory (talk about Georgian chintz!) did Camers sum up the nuclear conundrum so well with an anecdote that harked back to my days in the Scouts: “If you haven’t got any matches then how on earth can you cook your marshmallows?”
I can understand why the British people feel nervous about Trident. But let us be clear, would you want your dying wish to be, “God, I wish I’d bought some matches” when confronted by an Islamic extremist brandishing a bag of marshmallows? And what about Iran, which reliable CIA intelligence sources suggest is stockpiling matches faster than you can say “dib, dib, dib”?
Great British people take heed: we need a nuclear weapons system befitting the new millennium in order to buttress Britain’s blue chip national stock. Unless we replace our nuclear deterrent right now the Scouts can kiss goodbye to their cosy baked bean farting competitions round the campfire and should prepare themselves for full-scale nuclear Armageddon instead.
ASBOs or SLAPs?
With the Labour government under Twilight Tony bringing forward reforms to the probation system, I thought it apposite for the Right Path Party to outline its proposals on law and order.
This is one of my favourite policy areas and it will perhaps shock some of my supporters to learn that the RPP does not advocate the restoration of the death penalty in this country. That would be an uncivilised step, more at home with the donkey courts and kangaroo justice of modern day Afghanistan than a bright, forward-thinking democracy such as our own. Plus we’d never hear the last of it from the clamour of moral busybodies in the European Court of Human Rights.
Although Dave Cameron is often misinterpreted by the press as a slippery snake with about as much credibility as a rock star in rehab, he was talking sense recently about the rights and responsibilities of the individual. Our young people face difficult choices these days, especially when deciding on their future careers. Should they become toilet cleaners or financial consultants? Youngsters need to be given adequate time following their GCSEs to reflect in smoke free common rooms on their vocational aspirations before being marshalled along to the local dole office or accepted into Harvard Business School.
Of course, when all is said and done, some of the business students will prefer to shovel excrement, while some of the lavvy cleaners will aspire to a loftier perch than the one with an arse-shaped hole in it. This is precisely where the role of parents becomes crucial in nurturing the dreams of their nearest and dearest. My own daughter Polly (aged 12) recently admitted to having stolen a tomato from J. S. Sainsbury’s. She has forefeited all pocket money for a month and is due to do voluntary community service folding deckchairs for a day at this year’s Henley Regatta. It’s early days, but already Sophie and I have noticed a positive change in her attitude when only last week she expressed a newfound determination to become a hedge fund manager by the age of 21.
This is the challenging ideological context in which the Right Path Party is currently seeking catchy acronyms to replace ASBOs. And it’s precisely the point where we, as a democratic and (quietly) progressive party, intend to solicit views from our growing constituency of grassroots supporters. And yes, that means you! So please resist the temptation to use my web space as a public notice board this week, and instead post your half-baked opinions about how all of us, as parents and responsible adults, can bring wayward youths like my daughter Polly back onto the straight and narrow. And don’t forget the catchy acronyms! For example, do our young people need a SLAP (Special Lessons And Probation) or a GG (Grants Galore)? The ideas factory is now open for business.
***** The five most original suggestions to be posted in the comments section before 31 March will receive an autographed copy of Jeremy’s acclaimed autobiography “Lines Crossed” PLUS the opportunity to deliver Right Path Party election leaflets to 10,000 homes in their local constituency. *****
(Originally published 19 March 2007)
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