Like globalisation, global warming is here to stay. Tides they are a’rising. As I type away on my supercharged computer, another exclusive beachfront development is being washed ashore somewhere on the far side of the planet, the victim of nearby tsunamis. What can be done to address the environmental problems we face today?
It is the job of any politician to make clear his green policies to voters. Some will have genned up, but others do not have the wherewithal to realise that the subtropical temperatures that allow them to drive with the sunroof down come at a cost. Earth PLC’s stakeholders should have taken out some insurance aeons ago, because now we’re dealing with the fallout and I for one do not intend to wither on the vine.
The key is not to panic. The boffins will save us again with these new forms of egg petrol and acorn diesel, so we can continue to use energy in the way we have been accustomed and, frankly, have won the right to do.
So what should be the main challenge facing environmentally aware politicians like myself? CO2 pollution? Alternative energies? Or the dreaded green taxes? In a word: monkeys.
Those jungle VIPs, once feted for their Hollywood stunt work, have fallen on hard times. Decreasing numbers of trees to jump between, poor nut harvests and the rocketing price of bananas place them in grave threat. Internecine feuds between species are sadly on the rise. Many of them have developed homosexual disorders; others are sold into prostitution in Dubai or Liverpool. We can’t expect the ministries of their host nations to tackle the problem (not when they have agreed to take up the industrial baton and bleed the world dry), so it is up to ambassadors of freedom and equality such as myself to inform you of the stark choices they now face. If you want to carry on snapping monkeys you’ll need to put more than film in your camera – a little bit of respect wouldn’t go amiss too.
My solution can be summed up thus: give our ecosystem a rest and bring the monkeys to the West. Ramp up the zoo building programme, increase ‘tree-city’ capacity and get the worst-off some counselling. A department for monkey affairs should be created at ministerial level immediately in Whitehall, and other G8 nations should follow suit. The burden must be shared equally.
Heat death haunts us like a cancer now, but humanity will prevail with flying colours. Unless we intervene now with a raft of internationally binding measures, the same can’t be said for our closest relatives.
Captain’s Blog
Browser alert! Ever since I commissioned the august site you’re reading now, I’ve had constituents accusing me of being a consumer. The mutual confusion only increases when I tell them Sophie does all our shopping and the only time I set foot inside a retail outlet is when I'm meeting and greeting out on the campaign trail.
They mean the internet. “You’ve got to build your online presence, it will boost funds and help the party campaign,” Rupert keeps telling me. “We’re loaded,” I reply. “But if that’s where the contango is now, then I’ll ride that curve.”
So, in the spirit of technological progress, this week I've been emailing my virals all over the shop like a demented monkey. I’ve entered “chatrooms” to sniff out what the youth is saying, downloaded images and clips and observed my web profile (not bad - although no entry on Wikipedia!) and signed up to dozens of helpful pedagogical networks. My site is now full of images, clips, bio and helpful information. You want a piece of Jeremy, people? Well, now you’ve got him in spades!
One thing that didn’t escape my notice on my online travels is that the so-called web logs of MPs could never have been authored by them. And it struck me that this is the problem of the unaccountable era of self-publishing – it’s too easy for hypocritical charlatans to get a voice. So I am still skeptical about the merits of this virtual world, and advise you to stick with Jeremymcclintock.com to be sure of absolute integrity.
(Originally published 20 February 2007)
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