Most Brits have messed about in boats. The deeply mystical relationship we islanders have with the ocean has made us such intrepid explorers, charting unknown waters, firing our canon proudly and trading with enchanting primitives. For the British, the sea is in our blood as surely as alcohol runs through the veins of a drunk. Which is exactly why that despicable Iranian regime crossed the line when it took our 15 Royal Naval Personnel hostage; personnel who, according to my trusty contacts at the MoD, I can exclusively reveal were doing nothing more provocative in Iraqi waters (yes, Iraqi!) than rescuing a dolphin that had escaped from an Iranian circus.
Another innocent captive of the fundamentalist Islamic state.
Sappington Bounce is often referred to in the Westminster village as the “weathercock” of British public opinion. Well, Britons, better prepare for a bloody hurricane! I don’t spend as much time as I should in the constituency these days, and frankly this affair came at exactly the wrong time for me (I had to cut short a windsurfing holiday in Bermuda) but according to my people on the ground, folk on Sappington Bounce High Street are up in arms right now. Only yesterday morning did two piles of canine excreta appear on the pavement outside the Victoria Tea Rooms (this hasn’t happened since 1978) and Gary, the fat bloke from the chip shop, saw a fight break out between two OAPs in Wendy’s Florists, apparently over whether the store’s Persian carpet should be destroyed.
End this madness now!
Let me be absolutely clear. I do NOT condone dog shit on public thoroughfares; nor do I condone fisticuffs in florists. I will not allow Sappington Bounce to become another Vietnam. Not in my backyard, thank you very much. Having said that, what we are dealing with here are the early warning signs of a national rebellion in response to a severely botched international crisis. Things could get a lot worse. And what is our government doing? Sweet FA, that’s what!
Opinion polls released yesterday by MSN suggest that 68% of Brits would support invading the Iranians in order to seize back our yachting personnel. Need I say more? Is international diplomacy really worth pursuing one fathom further when what we are faced with here is the choice between enduring an increased turd count on pavements outside our national landmarks, or invading a totalitarian state in order to rescue a team of catamaran sailing dolphin rescuers?
Of course, the root cause of this unruly shambles is the fact that our naval personnel were engaged in nothing more offensive than marine ecology. If that mildly attractive lady sailor – with children for God’s sake! – is now having her dignity exploited by the Iranian propaganda machine, then it’s down to the mealy-mouthed UN mandate that compromises military exercises in the wake of the Iraqi Liberation. If only our yachting crew had been busy blowing things up then maybe the enemy would have given them more respect, rather than mistaking them for a bunch of hippy Greenpeace activists.
We Brits don’t choose a life on the ocean waves, we simply heed the call to cast off, jibe ho! and bid farewell to you fair Spanish ladies. The Iranians, with their uncouth and uncultivated Arab ways, couldn’t have been expected to understand that – although that doesn’t amount to a legal defence of their vile behaviour. But as international environmentally friendly peacekeepers our proud sailors deserve a lot more support than they are currently receiving from Mr. Blair & Co., who right now are rowing desperately around in diplomatic circles.
The Iranians need an ultimatum. Fanaticism is the only language these Shi’ites understand. Let’s set a deadline for the immediate release of our sailors, within 24 hours, or else all British dog owners should be mobilised to get their pets lining the pavements of Whitehall with festering turds! In fact you can count on it, Mr. Blair. Watch this space.
***** Show your patriotic support for our Royal Naval Personnel by sending in your comments this week and we will forward them to the MoD. Also, write to your local MP and tell him/her to do more to lobby government in order to secure the immediate release of our sailors. *****
++++STOP PRESS++++ President Ahmadinejad has released the 15 Royal Naval Yachtspersons following an Iranian news conference. British officials to comment in time for tonight’s six o’clock news.
(originally published 4 April 2007)
No comments:
Post a Comment