Blogging On Safari

Some people just can’t make the connection between the current situation in Africa and the recent outbreak of foot and mouth disease in the UK. If it’s not happening on our own front doorstep then it’s irrelevant. This is more than unfortunate – it’s a travesty. Politicians need to get wise fast to how global issues are local issues.

This week I’m staying at The Waffles Big Game Reserve in Kenya on the first leg of my Trade + Spades Tour 2007, organised in conjunction with The Right Path Party, DUFFF and Green Piss, the consciousness-raising environmental lobby group behind last month’s London Flushathon. Bloggers please note that although it’s remote out here, especially when you're on safari, I’m checking my emails regularly, so keep posting your comments to my electronic mailbag.

Day 1 Linda van de Heijden, chief gamekeeper on the reserve, heads our convoy as we journey across thirty thousand acres of wild open bush. It’s an extraordinary place for wildlife. How does Linda manage to keep the herds of tigers and elephants so conspicuously free from disease? “Progressive animal husbandry,” she says, “plus the odd bit of shotgun therapy.” UK farmers take note.

Despite being born a Springbok, this is the first time I’ve actually ridden an elephant. It’s a surprisingly comfortable ride. Lucy and Dumbo are a real credit to Linda and her fellow gamekeepers, for whom ecotourism has become a byword for sustainable development. It’s only a matter of time before that investment filters down to ordinary Kenyans.

Later that evening we meet some Maasai tribesmen who throng our tent to hear my keynote lecture, “Trade and Aid in Spades”. It’s not clear how much they understand, but without doubt there’s a meeting of minds, especially when the village elders invite me to dance around a satellite dish in a traditional tribal costume, which comprises little more than a scanty leather sarong.

Day 2 One step forward, two steps back. The politically correct brigade is at it again, alleging that an extract from last night’s speech has racist connotations. I’ll let you be the judge of that:

"When we talk about trade let’s not forget the spades. Think what a difference ten million spades could make to agriculture in Africa.”

It must be the silly season in Grub Street. I dish out an ultimatum to journalists at the dawn press conference: tune in or ship out back to the safari lodge. The fact that three quarters of them pack up and leave on the spot is a surprise – until one of our entourage points out that England is due to play Wales in a rugby international tonight. Although we didn’t pack a TV (there wasn’t enough room on the pachyderms) I get the last laugh when Derek, one of the Maasai tribesmen, invites me into his hut, where he unveils his pride and joy: a 32-inch Sony plasma screen TV with Dolby Surround Sound.

Later on we watch the game over a couple of beers. Derek, a former security guard from Leytonstone, is a perfect illustration of what I mean when I say that global issues are local issues. Like an increasing number of young people – not just from the ethnic minorities, but from right across the social spectrum – Derek is rejecting the Western European lifestyle and reconnecting with his cultural heritage. “There’s a whole different language and culture out here,” says Derek. “You can have loads of wives if you want and no one hassles you for it.”

Derek admits to presently having 14, although after the third crate of beer he revises that figure upwards to 62 (it seems he may have been getting confused here, either between his present number of wives and how many women he’s slept with, or else with the score in the rugby game – England ended up beating Wales by 62 points to 5). In any case, on this evidence globalisation is already confronting us with profound cultural challenges.

Day 3 Up before dawn to prepare for a charity football match pitting the Maasai against a celebrity team including Chris Martin (from stadium rock band Coldplay), Lenny Henry, Nick Knowles (last time he was in Kenya he was hamming it up for the cameras on Mission Africa, the BBC television series in which volunteers built an eco-resort in trying circumstances), Jamie Oliver and Yours Truly.

The objective today is to raise awareness for a forthcoming environmental awareness campaign sponsored by DUFFF and Green Piss. “Raising awareness is crucial,” admits Chris Martin (pictured) who’s broken off rehearsals with his band Foldclay in Spain especially to be here. “People need to be more aware about environmental awareness campaigns like this one.”

But in addition to this admirable ambition, according to Hunt Freaker, DUFFF’s Executive Coordination Strategy Chairman, there are other principles at stake: “The important thing, apart from the awareness, is that we enhance intercultural communication between the two teams, who stand as a microcosm of regenerative participative networks in the local-global arena.”

Unfortunately the intercultural communication has some way to go when it emerges, half an hour before kick off, that the teams have completely different understandings of the “arena” in question. For the Maasai, the “pitch” is an enormous patch of bush approximately 26 km wide, an alarming revelation that results in five of our players - including the hapless Knowles - being spontaneously struck down by a mystery virus. Down but by no means out, we decide to split the difference with the Maasai: five-a-side over ten clicks instead of 26. To their credit Chris Martin, Lenny Henry and Jamie Oliver stick with it, the latter preparing refreshments atop a cantering Dumbo the elephant. Keith Floyd never did this.

Day 4 27 hours (?!) into the match, and the intercultural communication hasn’t yet managed to establish the concept of “half-time”.

Day 5 Or “full-time”.

(originally published 9 August 2007)