I have not been watching this sordid celebrity junket but the sight of Jade Goody waddling down the ‘gangplank’ after an eviction, by the public no less, for supposed racist bullying of housemate and Bollywood songstress Shilpa Shetty, convinced me that something of national importance was happening.
My six-year old daughter Polly, who in recent times has become a sort of unofficial race relations advisor for the Right Path Party, also played a part in my conversion from a cynic to an advocate of the Big Brother format and youth culture in general. I now know my P-Diddys from my P-Didn’t hes (he didn’t shoot Fourpac)! I was also watching the Arctic Monkeys on Youth Tube before Gordon Brown had even heard of climate change, so I think we can safely say that I am reaching out for the vote of the young.
Returning to the key issue of the day, rarely have I seen my daughter as animated as she was last Friday when she announced her intention to vote for Jade in the eviction process. "The racial abuse suffered by Ms. Shetty," Polly maintains, "is a symptom of the colonial legacy, engrained in the romantic novels of Rudyard Kipling, that venerates India's wildlife but degrades its people".
"Polly" I retorted, "would you kindly stop treading on that Bengali Tiger skin rug!" Goody and her horrible cohorts are responsible for some of the most disgraceful treatment of an Indian person since the days, some of them glorious, admittedly, of the Raj. They have brought shame on this country and their spiteful hounding of Ms Shetty could even threaten trade relations between Britain and India – need I say the most serious offence of all.
If The Sun, surely Ms Goody’s publication of choice, is calling for a backlash against Jade Goody and the other part-time racists on the show, then the participants would do well to listen. If they pay no heed to the needs of the public and the media then they will have to face me turning up on their doorstep to give them a lesson in successful interaction with people of colour.
In any event, we certainly don’t want the BNP muscling in and spoiling all the serious political discourse and fun. Nick Griffin is a pantomime villain who would take this country back to the Dark Ages. Actually, he probably wouldn’t like that phrase! So I’ll leave it in.
A public inquiry once the show is over is now inevitable and I can announce that the Right Path Party will be campaigning for such an outcome, under the banner ‘We’re all in this Race (to the top) together.’ So watch this space, you Big Brother fans – there’s a new dude in town and he’s ready to slap happy with you for the price of a vote! Just don’t record it on your viddy phones!
A word about ‘Chavs’
It’s not just Jade. The sight of the crazed shipwreck looters has made me think about this word ‘chav’ which has apparently entered the modern lexicon (Polly used it again yesterday when our Polish cleaner arrived wearing imitation Reeboks – I must confess, it earned a laugh from me!).
I find it sad that the quaint and often legal traditions of Irish tinkers have been so mis-represented as to be attributed to council estate scum who glory in the fact that they’ve all got ASBOs, probably printed on Colin Burberry paper and live with their over friendly mothers.
In our world today, these people should realise that the watchword is tolerance. If they want to play by our rules, they will be rewarded with due respect. After all, there are a lot harsher words than ‘chav’ already in circulation to accurately describe the hideous hairstyles, clothing and behaviour that regularly appear in the CCTV footage sent to me by supporters from constabularies up and down this fair isle. Tommy, my pal from my local inn, openly admits to being something called a ‘pikey’ (a term coined by Madonna’s spouse and all-round English country gent, Guy Ritchie), so I’m happy to bow to his assessment of the ‘chav’ craze: “It’s all a load of bollocks, Mr McClintock. Kids will always be kids and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Get that man a brown ale!
…and the Union
The Labour leader-in-very-long waiting got mired in the race hate row while on one of his feeble diplomatic gurning tours. But I am glad to see Gordon Brown is supporting the English bid to stage the World Cup in 2018. Well done Gordon, for once! At last, and I say this as a person with Scottish bones in my blood, a Jock who doesn’t indulge in the politics of envy and is happy to help the largest and most successful contributor to the Union get on and continue the international notoriety and success that it has always been accustomed to.
But seriously, the end of the Union would spell serious trouble for the Scottish, and the Welsh would go out of business. The English brand is the dominant one in this marketplace and the formula has worked for more than 300 years, so, as Tommy would say, why fix what ain’t broke?
After all, would Scotland or Wales be able to fight and make money for company directors from the War on Terror without the organisational might and officer class of the English? I think not and it’s in the economic interest of every one to stay as we are.
[Originally published 23 January 2007]
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